"You NEED To" Really Means ...

I have listened to many people saying many things during my life, however not always are they saying what they really mean. Have you ever experienced this?

My dad use to say, "Say what you mean and mean what you say!" Yet, I have learned that this isn't always easy to do or that maybe we shouldn't say what we are feeling, because then my mom's saying would pop into my mind: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

In the past I, normally, would respond to what they were saying but not what they were meaning (feeling) and I found this can and has seriously complicated a conversation.

Now, I try not to respond right away, the best I can, and try to connect to the truth of what this person is really saying using universal truth. This can still be daunting because you know you might still step on someone's toes due to the fact that they are really asking you to agree with them.

Then there is that passive approach of: I see, yes, I understand, not too sure yet, or my favorite, whatever. It can backfire if they think you are agreeing with them: well, you didn't say no!

My latest pet peeve is the statement someone can say that starts out as: You NEED to...

I have discovered that what they're really saying is: I WANT you to...

This is the main reason for this blog. I must have heard this several times from family or friends in the past few weeks that had me thinking: do I "need to" or what would be a better response to this statement then a passive approach?

Also, while hearing someone say this, "you need to," I was getting negative emotions off the universe. I decided to have a conference with my guidance and see if there was a better way of handling this situation, as well as not receiving their emotions anymore of: no you don't!

This is when I was told the proverbial quote of dying and taxes. Then I was advised of the basic NEEDS all species have of love, food and shelter that I learned in school. I was also advised to go to the Internet to research this word and I found this chart of our NEEDS that I posted for anyone reading this blog. This chart is our basic NEEDS making everything else WANTS.

To continue, I really didn't want to have a confrontation by telling someone that their need for me was really their want for self. What could someone say to change their perspective of their demand without creating an argument?

Yes, at times, a confrontation may be unavoidable. It may be best to just say how I felt, regardless, but keep it short and sweet.

I've decided it was best to take the bull by the horns and drawing it back to them by just politely saying: What you really mean, (say their name it draws attention back to them) is that you WANT me to do such and such. Then I can quickly add: I'll do what I can or I'll think about it.

By making them see the truth in their words it will really help them in their own honesty of their feelings. Hopefully this will help them see that they are expecting something from another that could be an unreasonable request.

It can also open that door to what they should do to help in this want of theirs. If they want it, what are they/he/she going to do to see it is done? This also will put the majority of the responsibility of said want back on them and not always on me.

Of course, everything is in the moment - go with your gut feelings, because some will not want anything but an argumentative agreement regardless.

However, if an argument does ensue I can always use one of my daughter's friend's quotes: when did you start paying my bills? It's a strong way of saying that they are out of line with their demands.

Remember, when someone says that "you need to" they are really saying "they want you to" and they are placing the responsibility on you to do something. It is their want which means it is their initial responsibility until you agree to terms of their want. Once you agree, be responsible on your end.

Be prepared; you might want to review this list of hierarchy of needs first.