Recently, I posted this picture on Facebook that said: Don't blame people for disappointing you, blame yourself from expecting too much from them.
Along with the picture I commented: Don't curse anyone you give your power away to, because of something that's gone wrong in your life, or you feel you didn't get your way. Maybe you expected too much.
I had someone ask me: "But... if you lower your expectations so as to avoid being disappointed by others, then what good does that do? I expect to be treated as an equal, or with respect, or whatever and if somone falls short of giving me those things, it's not my fault that they couldn't rise to my expectations. Or it shouldn't be."
I felt that was a very serious question that needed a very serious answer. Below is what I shared and thought I'd share it on my blog. This is what I've been taught over the years.
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When you bring people into your life with the expectation that you're going to change them, to bring them up to your level, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. We have to understand that not everyone will be able to accomplish what we think they should... based on our abilities against theirs.
No one suggests that you lower your standards but you have to understand that sometimes we do need to come down to their level... somewhat... to teach them what we know. Just as a teacher has to be on the mental level of a first grader, it doesn't mean we stay there at that level always. Think in the terms of Jesus coming to earth to teach among the poor and needy but he never whipped them into submission. He taught with love to those willing to listen. Ok, so he did do a whooping on the money changers. He was still human. ;-)
Anyway, when we realize we are beating a dead horse, so to speak, we move on and away because we realize the timing is off due to whatever the situation that is going on. Maybe better luck next time.
We wouldn't expect a frog to fly. Yet, we expect humans to be human without knowing what's in their soul. What's the driving force behind them. Knowing that driving force can help us help them but they still need to be willing to help themselves. You can lead a horse to water... that kind of thing.
So yes, we may be placed on many people's paths to help one another but we have to get over our feelings that just because we lead them to water that we have a right to force them to drink. They may be waiting to see you drink first or may not feel right about the water.
You can't teach anyone anything until you know what you're up against. If you don't expect, you're not setting yourself up for disappointment.
There's also exceptions to every rule too. Each situation has a story to tell... to analyze... in order to understand.
When you reach a level of spiritual understanding, you start thinking on God's level. His level sees the capacity within someone. He would also see if someone's been dragging their feet, in learning something, way too often. Then He may feel it's necessary to send in a stronger person to teach or guide if necessary. In order to do that... He has to move us off the path so another can get the job done.
That's when we get our ego in the way... because we don't always move on or away easily. ;-)
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I'll also conclude with some additional information.
Sure, we can expect anything we want from anyone... adults or children... however our expectations can be unreasonable without knowing more about the person or being able to assist them. Should we expect parents to work overtime to pay for our wants as well as needs? Can a wheelchair bound child get up and dance? Can an alcoholic stop drinking over night? Should we expect a child to excel in sports when he/she isn't interested. Should we expect more in a relationship, when another is unable or unwilling to comply? Are we projecting our wants onto someone without understanding theirs? Before we can change anything, if that's what we are trying to accomplish, and to repeat what I said above, we need to know what we're up against and if we can do it.
Furthermore, where is this particular flow of expectation taking us and why? Who does it ultimately serve?
Also, we should do all we can to treat others as we would want to be treated to the very best of our ability. If that means a stronger arm is needed to protect or guide us, as well as them, let that decision be made with love and wisdom... not hate and ignorance.
As far as the blame part, I never liked that word particularly. Unreasonable expectations can lead to disappointment and blame. Blaming isn't empowering us... it empowers them. The more we dwell on it... the more we accuse or blame... the more we keep giving our power away. The more we hurt, we want to blame because it's our way at striking back... making them suffer for our disappointment in their unwillingness to meet our expectations.
Sounds pretty unreasonable, as well as controlling, doesn't it?
Hopefully, this blog will help with releasing blame, expectation and disappointment.
Let it go.
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